(For those who don’t know, Between The Lines is a writing program which I had the honour to participate in this summer. This is an ode to BTL. An ode to the most beautiful people I know, an ode to the happiest days of my life.)
I type my favourite song in the search box. I haven’t heard it in a month. Honestly, I can barely handle the singer’s raspy, angelic voice anymore, and how he keeps screaming lyrics I have been trying to forget for quite some time. I no longer know why it’s my favourite, really. I never thought the song I danced to in June, would keep me wide awake in July.
I am never hearing it again.
How many more times should I analyse these memories of mine before they fall so totally lifeless on the ground?
I look in the mirror, and tell myself that feelings are not actions. I could feel anything and everything. These feelings can be so powerful that I might shed a tear or two from time to time but, they’re just feelings. I can feel amazing, powerful things for someone and still not be able to be around them. Feelings do not compel actions. This is not that big of a deal. Sure, it feels like it is, but it’s not. Take a deep breath, and let go.
Okay, but maybe I could have embraced you a bit longer? These voices calling out for you never meant shit anyway, not to me. I never really cared if you were going to miss your flight, nor if we were never going to make it out of the city. If this meant we could have another meal together, or maybe another swing, I was thoroughly ready to throw my passport in the river.
Their calls were never going to ruin my perspective on forever.
Should I feel bad for promising forever too soon when I meant just for now? Just until you step out of the elevator with your big fandango pink suitcase? Just until the last dance of the evening comes to an end? Just until my last time borrowing your hat even if it looked horrible on me? Just until my last time complimenting your lipstick? Just until the last time I make a remark about how ridiculously tall you are? Just until the last eye roll I make at how horribly realistic you are?
Should I feel bad for promising forever when I only meant until I start hating my favourite song?
I laughed today when I remembered how I started rehearsing my goodbye five days earlier. I actually called my sister (I never asked her for advice, but when it came to goodbyes, she knew best.)
“Say ‘goodbye’, turn around and walk away. This is life, not a drama! What time are you landing?” she scoffed. I hang up the phone and wondered if there was ever going to be a subtle transition… if our relationship was going to fade away slowly over these five days. I hoped so. It would have been so much easier.
Inside of me, there is still this small graveyard of all the things that were almost happy. If only they could last a bit longer. But simultaneously, there are flowers grown out of all the love I’ve got from you. I am thankful to you. I opened up and showed you sides of me that no one else had ever seen, and you told me things I keep deep in my heart till this day.
Unlike my sister, I don’t believe in goodbyes. I hope you don’t either. Ultimately, I am not in charge of what is going to happen next. God managed to make our paths cross once and well, He might do it again.
I type my favourite song in the search box again..