This is how it starts:
You stare at him in class when he’s not looking. You want him to tell you the thoughts going through his head, good or bad, because you know for all the happiness he emulates and his nonchalant attitude; there is sadness in there too. You stare at him, take a deep breath, and brace yourself to turn him into a poem.
You shake your head immediately at the thought, reminding yourself that this is only a timed journey and it won’t be too long before you say goodbye. And as much as you believe that it’s going to set fire to your heart and soul, you never allow your mind to accept what your heart already knows, so whenever someone asks you “Are you ready for the goodbye?” you shrug it off and answer, “That’s all I write about.” then think maybe all you need is to just close the chapter on him even if it is long enough to be a novel itself. Of course, that’s when you realise you probably shouldn’t have let it go this far. But then again, have you really?
After all, you didn’t fall in love with him, not even close, but you could have.
It’s like the universe made a tremendous, crucial error and you are now obligated to undergo the consequences. You are fully aware that when you are introduced to someone, where you meet and who you are at that time isn’t exactly something you can grab by the horns right that second, but you can’t help the anger that’s building in your chest. Perhaps it’s all meant to play out the way it does, but sometimes it can feel like it’s not.
So, hold your breath, darling. Because this is how it ends:
Losing him will be so fucking damaging, but gaining him back will hurt even more. His blue eyes will no longer remind you of the sky you used to stare at together for hours, but rather of the oceans that are keeping you apart. The sparkle in his eyes will no longer remind you of how it felt like to see him smiling from ear to ear, but it will make you wonder if he could see the stars from where he is, and if he’s thinking about you at all. The thoughts of what could have been will kick in soon enough and so will your reckless desire to throw away the plans you originally had before meeting him, and you will feel the immense urge to abandon everything you have grown up used to, because for a second, just for a mere second each Sunday Morning, you will think that you can never meet the right person at the wrong time because the right people are timeless.
You will spend many days cursing the universe, and yourself for being such a coward and not knowing what to do. You won’t be sad enough to shed any tears, but missing him will come in waves as soon as you play your special song, and imagine him humming the lyrics. You won’t be sad enough to lose sleep over him, but it will tear your heart to shreds when you catch yourself daydreaming about what you could have been and what you could still be.
You didn’t fall in love with him, but you could have.
And as much as you hate to admit it, no matter how firmly you believe that having him back won’t change a single thing, You still wish you could hug him out of comfort and not love one more time. You will miss familiarity and you will let it haunt you because you’d rather have him say “goodbye” over and over again than never see him again.
The best way out is always through, but you’ve never felt so trapped before, So instead of getting over your almost sadness, you build a graveyard in your heart of all the things that were almost happy.